It is a controversial topic. Something that has been debated many many times over many years in several languages. For those who are less informed, let us define them
Arranged Marriage - The man and the woman who do not know each other get married and are bound to live together for the next part of their life !
Love Marriage - The man and the woman whose hearts and souls have merged as one. The so called "marriage" for them is something like a public announcement that both of them are going to live together for the rest of their life.
Well, we all understand love marriage because it is obvious for all of us that those are the two minds who came together sometime back. So, they getting married is not unique. For non-Indians, the concept of an arranged marriage is unheard of. So, let us dwell a bit deeper here.
The question here is, Who arranges and on what basis and why is it least understood ? Let us understand what happens as a sequence of steps for an arranged marriage
1. One of the families (boy or girl) searches for an appropriate partner by taking help from their relatives, friends, marriage brokers. Today, there are dozens of matrimony websites such as shaadi.com, jeevansathi.com, bharathmatrimony.com which enables you to narrow down your selection through several options.
2. Both the families call each other and discuss marriage prospects.
3. On an auspicious day, the boy's family visits the girl's house where the boy and girl meet each other. This probably the first time when they see each other.
This is a critical meeting where both of them have to decide and give a nod in 30 minutes!!!!. Yeah.....30 minutes to decide your life partner and you are expected not to go wrong here!!!!!!. Well, this happens in the modern Indian society with forthcoming families. In rural or semi-urban India, it is normally the boy who has to give his nod. The girl's acceptance is not considered.
4. If there is a dis-agreement, steps 1 to 3 is repeated till there is an agreement.
4. If both the families agree, they arrange for a "betrothal" function or in simple terms, an engagement ceremony which is celebrated as a mini-marriage. During the ceremony, they decide an auspicious date to conduct the wedding with the help of a priest.
It is important for the girl's family that the number of days gap between the engagement and wedding is less so that the wedding happens smoothly with no confusion. It is seen as unauspicious if the wedding is broken due to any confusion after the engagement and often the girl's family has to face the brunt of the broken wedding.
5. Everyone makes arrangements to mark a successful wedding.
After the marriage, whether you like it or not, you are supposed to live amicably with your new-never-seen-before life partner because you gave a nod in 30 minutes in step 3!!!!!.
So, what is wrong with a system that has been working in India for so many years. Why are we discussing this here ? There are so many happy families created through the arranged marriage system. Broken marriages (*Divorces*) are rare in this system. Both the male and female have strong support system (their committed families) which may not be available in the other system.
Shall we conclude that the arrange marriage system is far superior to the system of love marriage ? Oh! wait, this blog is just not over yet. We are not concluding anything here. Let me give you a perspective of what could have been the origin of the arranged marriage system. Before that, I can tell you that in today's time, I see that many prefer love marriage over arranged marriage and I see an increasing trend in the formal than the later.
We still are living in a society where many women have no say in their marriage. They have to accept the man as their fate who is selected by their parents. Parents see it as an insult when their daughter chooses a male of her own. They see it as an insult because they give more importance to the abuse that they have to go through in their social circles which is very unfortunate. Most of the woman take it as their fate, get adjusted and start living a regular life. They are lucky if their husband turns out to wise, courteous and understanding. Otherwise, they lead a miserable life.
A sneak-peek into the traditional society of India would reveal two things
a. It was (is) a male-dominated society
b. It was (is) a caste-dominated society
c. It was (is) a religion discriminated society
d. It was (is) a language discriminated society.
In a male-dominated society, a female was uneducated with no voice. They were seen as child-bearing machine and their duty is to bring up families and be sheltered inside the house. With no exposure to outside world, it obviously has to be an arranged marriage within the same society.
In a caste-dominated society, forget about women, even men cannot mingle with people of lower caste, however educated they were. So, forget about inter-caste marriages. It obviously has to be an arranged marriage within the same caste.
I think we need not talk about religion and language as it is evident from the above facts that women of in those days had to depend on their elders to get married. This has been the culture for many many centuries and people believe in doing it this way. They don't like if you question an age-old culture. They see it as an insult to their society.
Although my marriage was not a love marriage, I do give a lot of credits to the system of love marriage for a simple fact that two minds have to understand each other for a considerable period before they decide to lead the life together. It doesn't make sense to be lip-locked for several years artificially just out of fear and compulsion for the sake of satisfying someone else in the family. After all, it is your life, so you are the one to decide whom you want to lead it with.
Jai Hind.
Arranged Marriage - The man and the woman who do not know each other get married and are bound to live together for the next part of their life !
Love Marriage - The man and the woman whose hearts and souls have merged as one. The so called "marriage" for them is something like a public announcement that both of them are going to live together for the rest of their life.
Well, we all understand love marriage because it is obvious for all of us that those are the two minds who came together sometime back. So, they getting married is not unique. For non-Indians, the concept of an arranged marriage is unheard of. So, let us dwell a bit deeper here.
The question here is, Who arranges and on what basis and why is it least understood ? Let us understand what happens as a sequence of steps for an arranged marriage
1. One of the families (boy or girl) searches for an appropriate partner by taking help from their relatives, friends, marriage brokers. Today, there are dozens of matrimony websites such as shaadi.com, jeevansathi.com, bharathmatrimony.com which enables you to narrow down your selection through several options.
2. Both the families call each other and discuss marriage prospects.
3. On an auspicious day, the boy's family visits the girl's house where the boy and girl meet each other. This probably the first time when they see each other.
This is a critical meeting where both of them have to decide and give a nod in 30 minutes!!!!. Yeah.....30 minutes to decide your life partner and you are expected not to go wrong here!!!!!!. Well, this happens in the modern Indian society with forthcoming families. In rural or semi-urban India, it is normally the boy who has to give his nod. The girl's acceptance is not considered.
4. If there is a dis-agreement, steps 1 to 3 is repeated till there is an agreement.
4. If both the families agree, they arrange for a "betrothal" function or in simple terms, an engagement ceremony which is celebrated as a mini-marriage. During the ceremony, they decide an auspicious date to conduct the wedding with the help of a priest.
It is important for the girl's family that the number of days gap between the engagement and wedding is less so that the wedding happens smoothly with no confusion. It is seen as unauspicious if the wedding is broken due to any confusion after the engagement and often the girl's family has to face the brunt of the broken wedding.
5. Everyone makes arrangements to mark a successful wedding.
After the marriage, whether you like it or not, you are supposed to live amicably with your new-never-seen-before life partner because you gave a nod in 30 minutes in step 3!!!!!.
So, what is wrong with a system that has been working in India for so many years. Why are we discussing this here ? There are so many happy families created through the arranged marriage system. Broken marriages (*Divorces*) are rare in this system. Both the male and female have strong support system (their committed families) which may not be available in the other system.
Shall we conclude that the arrange marriage system is far superior to the system of love marriage ? Oh! wait, this blog is just not over yet. We are not concluding anything here. Let me give you a perspective of what could have been the origin of the arranged marriage system. Before that, I can tell you that in today's time, I see that many prefer love marriage over arranged marriage and I see an increasing trend in the formal than the later.
We still are living in a society where many women have no say in their marriage. They have to accept the man as their fate who is selected by their parents. Parents see it as an insult when their daughter chooses a male of her own. They see it as an insult because they give more importance to the abuse that they have to go through in their social circles which is very unfortunate. Most of the woman take it as their fate, get adjusted and start living a regular life. They are lucky if their husband turns out to wise, courteous and understanding. Otherwise, they lead a miserable life.
A sneak-peek into the traditional society of India would reveal two things
a. It was (is) a male-dominated society
b. It was (is) a caste-dominated society
c. It was (is) a religion discriminated society
d. It was (is) a language discriminated society.
In a male-dominated society, a female was uneducated with no voice. They were seen as child-bearing machine and their duty is to bring up families and be sheltered inside the house. With no exposure to outside world, it obviously has to be an arranged marriage within the same society.
In a caste-dominated society, forget about women, even men cannot mingle with people of lower caste, however educated they were. So, forget about inter-caste marriages. It obviously has to be an arranged marriage within the same caste.
I think we need not talk about religion and language as it is evident from the above facts that women of in those days had to depend on their elders to get married. This has been the culture for many many centuries and people believe in doing it this way. They don't like if you question an age-old culture. They see it as an insult to their society.
Although my marriage was not a love marriage, I do give a lot of credits to the system of love marriage for a simple fact that two minds have to understand each other for a considerable period before they decide to lead the life together. It doesn't make sense to be lip-locked for several years artificially just out of fear and compulsion for the sake of satisfying someone else in the family. After all, it is your life, so you are the one to decide whom you want to lead it with.
Jai Hind.
