I am writing this blog after many months and I could not get any better topic than this. It might sound negative to many of us. Truth has to unfold at some point of time.
I am married for 16 years now. My family consists of my wife, children and MY parents. It doesn't include my wife's parents. We call it "The Indian Joint Family". For the last 16 years, my wife has been trying to adjust with my parents as much as she could. 16-years have passed and it is hard to believe that she is still giving her best to adjust. All I am seeing is that the gaps are increasing than shrinking. Probably, she is bearing the brunt and tolerating the style of life just because of the wellness of HER FAMILY. By the way, when I say "HER FAMILY", I meant her husband and her children and not her husbands' parents. We have given a new name to it called "THE NUCLEUS FAMILY". There is no place for her parents in the "Indian Joint Family".
In India, when a girl is married, she is married to her husband's family and she has to forgo her family and adopt her husband's family. This by culture and habit, not by law. She needs to learn to live with her husbands parents, brothers and sisters, whether she likes it or not. So, it is 1:M relationship when written in mathematical form. Simply put, M influences 1 and many times this influence gets very daunting for the new girl to adjust. The man (wife's husband) has to play significant role in coaching and mentoring the girl. If not done properly, the whole life becomes miserable for the couple. Most of the time, due to social pressure and due to fear of discrimination, the girl just bears the brunt in silence no matter how hostile her husband's family is.
My mother-in-law was married to a large family. I am told that ever since she got married, she confined her life inside 4 walls of the kitchen working from 4 am to 11 pm 365 days an year.
She hardly met her parents after she got married. My aunt who hailed from Mumbai was married into another large family residing in a remote village in Tamilnadu. I am given to understand that apart from satisfying her husband's needs, she had to satisfy her in-laws and other family members needs too, sometimes was very disgusting to discuss here. My cousin, an electrical engineering graduate has to seek permission from her in-laws to visit her parents although they are living in the same city stones throw away from each other. She has accepted it has her fate silently and her husband is unable to bail her out. I hear quarrels between my wife and my mother for petty things almost every single day. It sounds petty for me, but not for my wife who feels insulted day in and out. She is bold like many other women, but life is not easy for both of us. I am trapped in between and I can't blame anyone other than me and the society we live in. This is extremely annoying and disgusting.
Let us say a girl is married at the age of 25, she has been living an enchanting and loving life for the last 25 years with her parents, sisters and brothers. Just because she is married into a family, it is unacceptable to assume that she has to forgo her family and accept a new family altogether and embrace change. There is no personal life in a joint family. This is not embracing change by any standards.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws.........you too went through this pain before. Do not let this happen to a girl. Let her lead a happy life with her husband separately. Let her decide what to buy for cooking, what should be the color of the bedroom, which television brand to buy etc. Do not put your thoughts on her. Give her the required indepedence.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws.........do not disturb them with your thoughts. Do not barge-in when they are planning for an outing. Let them go. Because, your son is also affected by your thoughts....not just that girl.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws........stay away from them and their life. Supported them from outside. Let them come to your house when they want to, not when you want to.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws.......do not live with your son and daughter-in-law. Knowingly or unknowingly, you disturb them and their privacy. You can visit them whenever you want to see them. That would earn you respect.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws.......if you are living with your son and daughter-in-law, follow these golden rule
-> do not interfere when they are speaking privately
-> do not empathise with your son in front of your daughter-in-law
-> do not enter their bedroom without their approval
-> do not join them in their trips unless they invite you
-> this one is special for the father-in-law....do not sit in the front aile seat of a car. That is reserved for his wife (your daughter-in-law), not for you.
So, may I appeal to all the distinguished readers of my blog. Please do not embrace change. Please do not let this happen to your wife/daughter/sister. Respect her independence and the privacy she needs.
My salute to all Indian women for their generation-long sacrifices and in return getting nothing.....
I am married for 16 years now. My family consists of my wife, children and MY parents. It doesn't include my wife's parents. We call it "The Indian Joint Family". For the last 16 years, my wife has been trying to adjust with my parents as much as she could. 16-years have passed and it is hard to believe that she is still giving her best to adjust. All I am seeing is that the gaps are increasing than shrinking. Probably, she is bearing the brunt and tolerating the style of life just because of the wellness of HER FAMILY. By the way, when I say "HER FAMILY", I meant her husband and her children and not her husbands' parents. We have given a new name to it called "THE NUCLEUS FAMILY". There is no place for her parents in the "Indian Joint Family".
In India, when a girl is married, she is married to her husband's family and she has to forgo her family and adopt her husband's family. This by culture and habit, not by law. She needs to learn to live with her husbands parents, brothers and sisters, whether she likes it or not. So, it is 1:M relationship when written in mathematical form. Simply put, M influences 1 and many times this influence gets very daunting for the new girl to adjust. The man (wife's husband) has to play significant role in coaching and mentoring the girl. If not done properly, the whole life becomes miserable for the couple. Most of the time, due to social pressure and due to fear of discrimination, the girl just bears the brunt in silence no matter how hostile her husband's family is.
My mother-in-law was married to a large family. I am told that ever since she got married, she confined her life inside 4 walls of the kitchen working from 4 am to 11 pm 365 days an year.
She hardly met her parents after she got married. My aunt who hailed from Mumbai was married into another large family residing in a remote village in Tamilnadu. I am given to understand that apart from satisfying her husband's needs, she had to satisfy her in-laws and other family members needs too, sometimes was very disgusting to discuss here. My cousin, an electrical engineering graduate has to seek permission from her in-laws to visit her parents although they are living in the same city stones throw away from each other. She has accepted it has her fate silently and her husband is unable to bail her out. I hear quarrels between my wife and my mother for petty things almost every single day. It sounds petty for me, but not for my wife who feels insulted day in and out. She is bold like many other women, but life is not easy for both of us. I am trapped in between and I can't blame anyone other than me and the society we live in. This is extremely annoying and disgusting.
Let us say a girl is married at the age of 25, she has been living an enchanting and loving life for the last 25 years with her parents, sisters and brothers. Just because she is married into a family, it is unacceptable to assume that she has to forgo her family and accept a new family altogether and embrace change. There is no personal life in a joint family. This is not embracing change by any standards.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws.........you too went through this pain before. Do not let this happen to a girl. Let her lead a happy life with her husband separately. Let her decide what to buy for cooking, what should be the color of the bedroom, which television brand to buy etc. Do not put your thoughts on her. Give her the required indepedence.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws.........do not disturb them with your thoughts. Do not barge-in when they are planning for an outing. Let them go. Because, your son is also affected by your thoughts....not just that girl.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws........stay away from them and their life. Supported them from outside. Let them come to your house when they want to, not when you want to.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws.......do not live with your son and daughter-in-law. Knowingly or unknowingly, you disturb them and their privacy. You can visit them whenever you want to see them. That would earn you respect.
Oh! my respected father-in-laws and mother-in-laws.......if you are living with your son and daughter-in-law, follow these golden rule
-> do not interfere when they are speaking privately
-> do not empathise with your son in front of your daughter-in-law
-> do not enter their bedroom without their approval
-> do not join them in their trips unless they invite you
-> this one is special for the father-in-law....do not sit in the front aile seat of a car. That is reserved for his wife (your daughter-in-law), not for you.
So, may I appeal to all the distinguished readers of my blog. Please do not embrace change. Please do not let this happen to your wife/daughter/sister. Respect her independence and the privacy she needs.
My salute to all Indian women for their generation-long sacrifices and in return getting nothing.....
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